Am I My Resume?

Who am I anyway? Am I my resume?
That is a picture of a person I don't know.
What does he want from me?
What should I try to be?
So many faces all around and here we go,
I need this job Oh God, I need this show.
-Paul, A Chorus Line

Still working on grad school applications- just UC-Berkeley left. It turns out, I need to write another essay. It's so difficult, trying to figure out what exactly they want, especially when they give you such a limited amount of space.

I wish they would do an interview instead of requiring a Personal History Statement. All the questions they ask are so personal, I hate to document them on paper. I can just envision them passing around the deepest and most secret details of my identity and history, examining them with reading spectacles perched on the tip of their noses. "I don't know about this one," Dr. A explains, "I don't think she's suffered quite enough."

It honestly seems like they just want people who have suffered. Here's what they ask for:

In an essay, discuss how your personal background informs your decision to pursue a graduate degree. Please include any educational, familial, cultural, economic, or social experiences, challenges, or opportunities relevant to your academic journey; how you might contribute to social or cultural diversity within your chosen field; and/or how you might serve educationally underrepresented segments of society with your degree.

Can't everyone contribute socially and culturally? It just seems like they're secretly saying: "If you're a person of color or gay or have one leg or practice Satanism, we want you, because you will contribute with your freakishness." It makes me feel like a spectacle, and I really don't appreciate the notion in an Ethnic Studies program, particularly.

But, anyway, they're number 3 in the country, so I'll just stop complaining and get it done. Grr.

Skype! And, why, hello.

Here is my Skype account name: Mandycandyland
Go to www.skype.com to get the program and video chat/audio chat with me for free in Japan, so that you don't miss my fantastic mug O.o

Also, I have a video camera and a digital camera now (thanks, respective parties!), so you should be getting some vlogs and photos in the near future. But, do I really have to take pictures at Narita airport? People always post them, but I'll look like crap! And that will be bad for my e-self-conscious.

Oh, and if you haven't read this before, there may be no need to go back, unless you really want to. Pre-trip things may be too boring to handle. There may have been some entries that were better left unpublished/I felt cool at the time but, looking back, I made a public geek of myself. Or maybe you're just jealous because you can't recite the ReBoot Season Three musical, which is, conveniently, to the tune of "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General."

And welcome! Er... that sounds like this is a shop or something. Hello, then! Enjoy? Now I feel like an Emcee......

I Think I Have a Serious Problem...

On quite a foolish whim, especially for a woman of my age, I did the unthinkable. Yes, yes, I counted my scarves. And, unfortunately, it seems I have a serious problem. Perhaps so serious that I may need to seek help.

As it turns out, I have nearly thirty. How did this happen? Why did such a terrible thing happen to such a nice girl? And what will the neighbors think?

If I wanted to, I could wear a different scarf for every day of the month! Or I could wear them all at once and never need a coat again! Or I could tie them together and climb out of my window to the ground.

So, if you are ever in need of a gift idea/wonder what the heck is wrong with me, it is always scarves.

My favorites via YouTube

Because we all need a little entertainment/brainwashing. The link feature isn't working -_- so please copy and paste!

Movies:
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang- random hilarious scenes
"Where's My Gun?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw_fC_eFYd4
"Who Taught you Math?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8J_b02rx3c

Meet the Robinsons
Someone's favorite clips...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoDJdcBsiHg

Scent of a Woman
The Blind Tango scene
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBHhSVJ_S6A


Scenes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97H1dToqfxY ---Duckie Dancing! (and striking out v.v)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aIoTgy4zvo ---The Fresh Prince lip singing to "I Am Telling You I'm not Going"

Carlton, from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, stripping O.o but it's YouTube, so no worries, my censor-cautious loves!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHmheJ849zQ

The Best Scene, from Muppets Wizard of Oz- so random and hilarious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lc0pVAvGvQ

Father Furlong in the Cave- "You're in for it now, Tony."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOdjDz1s3Co

DEBS- Lucy Diamonds turning good/A Little Respect
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWPhrHyZv8w

Oz- Father Mukada being sexy, singing Leather, licking the Bible
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDSJkMVLiF8




TV Shows:
Hey Arnold!, The Best of Helga:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkKkWMwMA_k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGC-xRI307s&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGwIfsM1q6c&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpwFk0jAQBg&feature=related

Touching Evil (Here is the first episode, yummy Jeffrey Donovan. I love him calling the cat "gorgeous.")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1vBt3Rv-0I

Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. Goodness, what hotties, all! First episode!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28vZvhf3lXA

Angel, funny scenes and scenes where Angel makes a silly boo of himself:
Dancing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhcqBI-Porw
Spike Mocking Angel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kgXTruhaYs

Extras!- I love these actors making fun of themselves:
Sir Ian McKellen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43sbtkQM6zc
Patrick Stewart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fg_cwI1Xj4M
David Bowie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv6mEv_rDdE&feature=related

ReBoot
The Episode where it suddenly leaps in quality
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_qvT97If9I

Buffy
The first part of the musical episodes... except only the audio ^^*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ota7XbKJM6w&feature=related

Star Trek: TNG
Clip from my favorite episode, Rascals
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRfV66FV_dE

Jake 2.0
The pilot!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-vh9vNLMRY

Burn Notice
Random segment from an episode- I figured I was safe with any clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9DbwlxVkyY




Music Videos:
Fallen Snow- Au Revoir Simone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXmKpB9dn3c

Triangle- DBSK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2MiiASgig0

Konayuki (Pure Snow)- Remioromen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DayRtlDtfg

Hoppipola- Sigur Ros
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Iqq1AWMTQI

Eternity- Dreams Come True
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcgrR8gCg7c





Vlogs:
Five Awesome Gays ^.^
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-uf3oNx2iI

Nikki, who is an awesome singer and very funny, singing to internet trolls. Maybe it's actually a music video, but this is my blog so I'll put it where I want it- rawr!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WxsjwVexR0

KevJumba, who is not G-rated, by the by
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGmO-jcKENQ
Dealing with Stereotypes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbZ9zJ22WfQ
After breaking his leg: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn5oierYyJk

Disneykid1, aka Five Awesome Gays' Thursday:
"Undesirable, Undatable, Unhappy, and Uncool":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USsHFtP8dqk
His Winning Vlog to become the New Thursday on 5AG:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8Jem0uwEEQ

Happy Slip
Morning Meest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtTEGOxnq8M



Interviews:
Edward Norton- I love how down to earth he seems, and nerdy! This just makes me love him more
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QslgkMt-ih4

Comedy Skits:
Welsh comedian- you've probably scene this but it's too funny not to include:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSFmipc_60s

The famous Yatta video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbZzGnb2T5Y

I'm a Marvel, I'm a DC (the whole series is good, here's the first one)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av6fWfmugds

Barats and Bereta
The Good Word
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN4NzjI0Dyc


Other:
Scary Mary Poppins Trailer, because it's so well done:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic

Survey feedback- very funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rg7Dl7n8bY

And, if you haven't, go watch Dr. Horrible!
http://www.drhorrible.com/mushortio.html

Address in Japan

In case you don't have it, here it is!!!

Address:
2-32-5 Minami-cho
#215
Warabi City, Saitama
Japan
335-0003


So, no excuse for not writing me! Um, but if you are saving postage money, I shall stoop to accepting e-mails as well (piff piff pooh pooh), my humble subjects. Let me know if there's something you're dying for that I can get in Japan (for cheap or cheap-ish, not that you are, my lovely). But you'll have to wait to get it until I get back because postage is crazy.

BTW, I hear that most of the time, you're supposed to put a comma before "but" to make it correct. Maybe this is just a vicious lie, but since I love me commas something awful, I'm happily throwing them in. If I'm wrong to do this, you shall have to take it up with the Grammar Gods, who are far too busy with better things. Speaking of grammar, here is an excerpt from "The Higher Power of Lucky," which was a lovely, lovely book:

[Basically, there's a sign that says "Slow Children at Play," and Lincoln's irritated because he thinks that it implies either the children are mentally slow or just sluggish/lazy, so...]

Lincoln did something brilliant. Next to SLOW, he drew two neat perfect-size dots, one like a period and the other a little above it. Lucky knew it was a colon and it made the sign mean, "You must drive slow. There are children at play" (p. 24). [This is also pictured above, because I can't figure out how to put it at the bottom ^^*]


I also like the back of "Eats, Shoots and Leaves":

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
'Why?' asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
'Well, I'm a panda', he says, at the door. 'Look it up.'
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. 'Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'

Good night! Gah! Good morning! We've talked the whole night through! I didn't like Singin' in the Rain... Except for "You are My Lucky Star." If you have the fast version, please tell me how, where, why you? Then, please send it to me or properly direct me ^.^

I Lost My Soul Today (but I wrote it months ago O.o)

Just a short piece of musings/depressinginess. (I didn't really lose my soul, so far as I know O.o)

I lost my soul today, somewhere between 3rd and 9th. I’d chosen to walk down Madison as a prescription against heart sores and burgeoning depression. My shoes, as it turned out, weren’t cut out for the trip, and I ditched them early on, walking barefoot through the city’s grime. Perhaps, I should correct myself then; today I lost both my favorite flats and my soul, while walking down Madison.

I can’t be exactly sure when my desoulment took place. To be perfectly honest, I’m not really sure how I know that I’ve lost my soul at all. Maybe it has something to do with the silent apathy with which I now take abuse of all kinds. I suppose I’ll know in time. If, that is, a soulless person can experience revelation.

On the way to losing my soul, I passed a number of beggars. I prided myself for looking them directly in the eye when they asked for my spare change and answering “No, sorry” with a small smile, not ignoring them as though they were an unfortunate blemish on my town’s otherwise flawless visage. But I also didn’t give any of these people money and I grew irritated when I failed to receive a kind comment in return for my words. Maybe this was where I lost my soul.

I once read somewhere about a study conducted at a university to see how many people would check on a person lying down at a bus stop. Nine out of ten people who approached the supposedly unconscious subject ignored him or her completely. When later questioned, these nine out of ten claimed that they merely assumed that the person was drunk. Did those nine out of ten people lose their souls?

Or what about those thirty-eight people who heard Kitty Genovese scream when Winston Moseley stabbed her twice in the back and fled, when one of thirty-eight yelled at him. Or those thirty-eight people who did nothing when he returned two stab and kill her. To do nothing, maybe that’s what robs you of your soul. But I did say “no, sorry,” so I did something. I must’ve lost it another way.

At about halfway, I passed a church with a free lunch program, to feed the city’s hungry. I was a hungry person at the time but I’m sure it didn’t apply to me. It was one of the Protestant churches- Presbyterian or Lutheran, maybe.

I was afraid of those people. I’m a little bit afraid of most people; I have a panicky attitude towards all human beings outside of myself. I can’t see inside other people the way I see myself, which I guess is normal, but I can never get used to for some reason. I’m arrogant that way- always hoping that I’m somehow special. I’m not, or at least I wasn’t. Maybe losing your soul makes you special, in a way.

Like everyone, I can’t help but discriminate with my fears. I don’t like to be alone with any man I don’t know, really any man I don’t know especially well. Even though people walk ten feet ahead of me and five feet behind, surrounding me, I consider myself alone as I walk; the men at this lunch scare me. I don’t think I discriminate based on race or social class, but I’m programmed to think that I don’t, because I don’t want to be a bigot. Maybe I am bigoted, and just try to ignore it, so that I can try to lead a normal, PC life. Or maybe it’s all just the fears in and of themselves.

After passing the church, I reached the underpass, beneath which lies the freeway. The wind blows strongly here and is cold and tinted with the sea, which is close and always seems to push closer with each wave of effort, hoping to one day drown the skyscrapers like Atlantis. The wind is probably strong enough to blow a person’s soul right out of her body. I think about twirling around, releasing my hair from its harsh ponytail, dumping my bag to the ground, and freeing myself to the wind. Closing my eyes, outstretching my arms, rejoicing in its sharp force. But I don’t, ever, and it is this above all things that I think causes people, such as myself, to misplace our souls.

On the underpass, I also think some things that are slightly darker in nature. Sometimes, more honestly, often, I wonder what would happen if I propelled my bag over the ledge. If it hit a car’s windshield, would it have to actually hit a person to kill him? And if it did, would the force of my bag falling from such a height combined with the force of the vehicle going seventy miles per hour kill him on impact? Or would it cause an accident at high enough speeds to do the job? Or, if I missed, how would the bag survive being run over? Would the car survive? And what if I just threw one paper from my bag and it glided slowly down? Maybe it would obscure a driver’s vision. If I wrote “I’m sorry” on the paper, would that make it any better?

When I’m really down, I think about tossing myself over the railing. Even when I’m not down, sometimes I think about it. I wonder if I really had to, if it was life or death, if I might be able to fly or just float a bit. Again, some part of me wants to be special. Part of me wants the angst and worries and responsibility of it all. And part of me would be disappointed to fly because I’ve had near death experiences and if the rush is any prelude to the real thing then it will be fantastic. And awful. Maybe not for me, but I’m happy to say, I’m not alone. When everything goes so slowly, but is over so quickly and you’re disoriented and suddenly in pain, but it’s gone in an instant because your brain knows how to protect you that way. And you cry because you don’t know if you’re happy or scared or somehow disappointed. Because for a second you were part of something huge- a community of all people, because it is inevitable. And maybe it won’t be like that if I’m old and I “go gentle into that good night.” No sense or what’s happening. Someone once said that they wanted to be awake and aware when they died, because they’d only have one chance to experience death. It may have been Richard Feynman, but since he also or instead said “I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring,” I’m probably wrong.

Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to feel my soul. I’ve forgotten so many other things, it wouldn’t be hard to believe. But I don’t think that’s the sort of thing a person forgets. I’d like to think, with or without my soul, I know its weight and significance within me, or without me. Do you think that it misses me, now that we’re parted, and wonders how it could possibly have lost its body?

Once I’ve safely crossed the underpass, I walk the length of the library and think about going in. It’s too daunting, too many stories, too many books. There’s a fountain by an artist I admire somewhere inside or around the perimeter, but I’m too daunted by the library to pursue it. Sometimes I have to walk on the other side of the street here because of construction. I hate that. I have an enormous library fee that I’ll never pay so I can’t check out books, anyway. I feel like I might be on the library’s Most Wanted list. Why does it matter what side of the road I walk on then? It does matter, I just wish I could understand it myself. Maybe it won’t matter anymore, what with the soul gone and all.

I tripped here one day when it was slick. It’s a steep hill and the pavement is often wet. If I’m foolish enough to wear heels, I slip. I didn’t today, probably because when I did trip, I fell, and no one asked me how I was. I don’t think this says anything about me, and I try not to take it personally. I try not to think that I might be going invisible like that guy in the Ralph Ellison book. Not the H.G. Wells one. That always confused me. In Ellison’s novel, the man goes invisible because he is socially invisible. You start to fade away because you are so insignificant that no one notices you anymore. You don’t literally fade, just from people’s conscious. I try not think that I might be like that. But the people around me when I fell said nothing, didn’t help me up, didn’t seem to notice or care. I think, if anyone should lose their souls, it ought to be them, and it ought to hurt something awful.

I reach the place where I would have disembarked from the bus, if I’d taken it instead of walking. It beat me down the hill- it always does. It runs every fifteen minutes and it takes at least twenty to walk the hill. But the bus is crowded and noisy and I feel obligated to give up my seat to elderly people, or anyone older than me, which is almost everyone, even thought I have pain. The sort that gets you a seat on the bus, if you are vocal about it. I’m not. So I walk down the hill to avoid the conversation. If I’d had the gumption to take the bus, I’d probably have a soul big enough to wallpaper the sky.

The bus stop I wait at, which covers the second stretch of my journey, a length I cannot walk, is on Third and Madison. While standing there with all the others, waiting for my bus to come, I realize my soul is missing. And now that I look around at all the other people with me, I wonder if they’ve lost theirs too. But I guess if they have, then at least we’re alike in that as well. A community of vampiric humans, zombie-like, animate objects. Infectious? Maybe. Medicine as it is, someday they’ll have a vaccine to prevent this condition. Unless we’re better this way. And now, I know I am special. But only insofar as there is nothing special about me at all.

おみやげ

I figured out how to write in Japanese on my Mac, obviously... Hoorah! It's actually really easy, but let's pretend, for the sake of my ego, that it is terribly difficult. What a talented lass I am. Or not.

So, here are the gifts I am taking to Japan. Woe to me, how to know what to give to who? And how to wrap between customs and meeting my student helper? Very little time!

Yankee Candle:

Six-- blurbs about how to use the candles and how they're made. To make it look all fancy
One-- French Vanilla votive candle
One-- Chocolate Cupcake votive candle
One-- Pumpkin Pie votive candle
One-- Harvest votive candle

The lady at Yankee suggested these scents. I think French Vanilla is the most popular. My favorite, by the by, is Christmas Cookie. It's only available at Christmas though, so I hope I get back in time to stock up!

Bath and Body Works:

One--Wild Honeysuckle Hand Gel
One-- Sweet Pea Hand Gel
One-- Midnight Pomegranate Hand Gel

What is a midnight pomegranate anyway? Crazy names.

Disney Store:

One-- Stitch Halloween Plushy (he's wearing a black cat costume)-- for Mari (she loves Stitch)
One--Pluto t-shirt for little boy (for Mrs. Lamba's little boy-- just in case we meet!)
Two-- Aristocats sticker sets
Two-- Cars sticker sets

Mariner Store:

Twelve-- Official schedules- with Ichiro on the front (yay!)
Five-- Mariner pens
Three- Mariner Notepads
One-- Ichiro phone charm

Starbucks:

1/2 lb. Pike Place Roast-- only available in Seattle! Yay for originality?

Made in Seattle:

8 0z. Salt Water Taffy (I want to eat it! mmmm)
Six-- Seattle keychains
Ten-- Seattle postcards (my guidebook says that postcards from home are very popular)
Four-- mini jams
Six-- Seattle pencils
Two-- lucky penny keychains (also supposed to be very popular)

Hallmark:

Four-- Disney Halloween ornaments (because ornaments are so popular for Halloween?)

So, how many is that total? Seventy little things? But, minus the blurbs and schedules, fifty-two? How many gifts will I need? Oh, indecision, how you rear your ugly head at the most awkward of times- le sigh!

No more melodrama. I have nothing more to write. Good bye!