It's rough trying to remind myself that it's worth it. Everything we study, even things that seem positive- working together toward a common cause- is given a negative spin. We are told that corporations control everything, the environment is damned, the Evangelical Christians are going to do away with people of color, gays, transfolk-- the end of the world may be coming. The Economic Crisis will never end-- we may never be able to pay back our student loans. I don't have much in student loans yet, but I'll have to rack them up if I go for my PhD.
I'm told by people on the outside who don't know what they're talking about that I'll never get a job with a Cultural Studies M.A. I'm told a PhD in Women's Studies would be useless. I'm told that no one's hiring professors, and I'm ridiculous if I think that I can stay in state.
Everything I try to do in my research is problematic. If I do a text-based approach, I'm a coward, and I worry I'll end up depressed in my loneliness- I'll be Iris Chang. If I work with other people, I'd better "collaborate"-- buzz word of the quarter. If I do too much, I'm using my subjects-- If I make them do too much, I'm wasting their time. If I misrepresent, I'm evil. If I don't represent, I'm worse. If I leave them to represent themselves, I'm useless, and I haven't got a degree.
I want to use theory presented in the works of Toni Morrison, Yasunari Kawabata, Marguerite Duras. I'm not academic enough. Fine, I'll work with bell hooks, Judith Butler, Gayatri Spivak. Shit, I don't relate to my community. I want to work with Kyoto School Zen philosophy and I'm a neo-colonialist, an Orientalist. But if I work with "Western" philosophers, I'm obvious.
If I complain, I'm a rabble-rouser. If I say nothing, I'm complacent-- the worst. If I smile and nod- ah, then I know that I'm pathetic, a brown noser- "to thine own self be true"- yet, then I am beloved.
It is no wonder we feel that we are all fools incapable of success. We are made to feel as though whatever we are and whatever we may become, we not only have failed to solve anything, but we have made things worse. But saving one starfish is also not good enough-- we cannot even hope to stand still.
-Buddha Gotama
Believe nothing. No matter where you read it,Or who said it, Even if I have said it, Unless it agrees with your own reason And your own common sense.
2 comments:
I personally think you are bright and I know that those who are negative, and provide negative information, are dealing with their own issues and insecurities. With any degree, you can get a job- look at me. The real challenge is to be hard working, dedicated, and believe in what you are doing. Have the passion for something - I think that is what motivates us to be successful. Find your passion and stick to it, that will make you happy, and that is success.
Furthermore, everyone has an opinion about other people's lives, but what are they doing with theirs?? That is the question. It is easier to look at other's lives, than our own. One can always find fault with other's decisions, but the gift is in realizing and recognizing fault in our own decisions and growing. You, my friend, have a gift of making good decisions. You go girl!
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