Oh loyal readers. Apparently there are more of you out there than I realized- if you leave a comment, I will read it and respond (though I don't know if it notifies you when I respond... I almost always do!). Especially please please please give me feedback on random creative endeavors- I need to become a better writer and cannot do it on self-criticism alone (if at all. Self-flagellation in the creative mind is as conducive to genius work as a crowbar to the temple).
That said, here is a poem I wrote last night/squirrelly early this morn:
Just when I am beginning to think that I have banished you entirely from my life
There you are
Hiding somewhere in the background in the memory of my high school graduation
Caps and gowns, honor cords, anonymous speakers continuing on until sunset
“You are the future,” they tell us, every single one, even the few who seem to pass
with that fiery sunset and are gone youthful and inexperienced to a dark and womb-like home
There you are, somewhere between the self-conscious pride and free relief
The fading memory of final exams and research papers and SATs
I almost forget that you were there with me in my grandmother’s final moments,
almost
The way I can almost forget when she forgot who I was
Though, in some ways, it gives me hope that one day I will vanquish you from me
In the scent of the flowers, roses yellow and cheerful like a mask for the death chamber
We can convince ourselves that we are eternal in that one moment
One day, no one at all will know your name, but there you’ll be, hidden in my every poisoned line
You’re there even when you weren’t there at all, not even close
Those days long after you went away and life went on and I became an aunt and you weren’t there
Not when the baby sounds turned into almost words and became communication
And stumbles became steps then running fast as a lion, wild little girl with long braids
Who would have loved you if she’d met you
The thousand and one diapers but only a few stories, mostly from a book, but one, just one that was mine, but was secretly ours because you’re always there
I found solace in someone who wasn’t you to exorcise you from my being, but you were there too, more than ever even
I tried to make that someone you and transposed your face, your body onto my new lover
And she could do no right because she was not you, couldn’t be you,
except when I became alone again
With just the leftover smell of shampoo that I washed away in the laundry, like I did when you left, stupidly thinking I could send you away,
but no, you were still there, always here
The funniest movie with the most beautiful actors and movements of music and motion that drive your eyes and ears mad with euphoria, distract me please
Make me forget, steal those two or three years away like a wonderful bandit
A Robin Hood taking away the richness that was you and leaving me poor in your absence
But happy in the nothing I become
Perhaps not.
But you are always here and so many days have gone by
When you left, why, my dearest, why couldn’t you really leave, and take your whole wonderful, terrible self away with you?
My love, my darling, my memory who no longer belongs to me, not mine
You are not mine
And I will no longer suffer in my failure to recognize
That I have lost you irrevocably
And you are always, relentlessly here
Oh, there you are
-- thoughts? Fail? Epic fail? "Stop pestering us with your crapolla, hack!" Oh, my little peanut gallery, silencio.
Saw the Star Trek movie even though I ought to have been working on my phil paper all day (and now I get to work on it half the night instead- ew). Um, I don't think I can express it's amazingness. The writers are genius- creating an alternate universe to the already-established franchise with continuity mongerers /trekkies up the wazoo-- BEST idea ev-uh. I loved the new cast (even though they replaced the black actress with a Dominican actress... because they're the same?), especially Zachary Quinto who wasn't Sylar-evil-esque at all (I thought it would haunt me, but hurrah!). Action-filled with beautiful camera shots and exciting music. I loved hearing the old lines making their 21st century come back ^__^
Also, got my hair done today, and I have bangs now... and highlights. I don't want to take a final-paper-writing photo to document my current ugliness, so I'll show it to ya laters. Not entirely happy (which is optimist code for ew). I hope the highlights mellow down. Trying not to think about it, actually.
I want to see Star Trek again AND I want to write my sci fi story in a post-genius-sci-fi-movie-frenzy. But my brain is to shot for anything good to pop out of it (which doesn't bode well for my pape- I'm gonna keep chugging Little Engine that Could-like nonetheless). I'm a very successful auto-editor. No worries so long as I get the twelve ugly pages out (I got 4.5 ish now- huzzah! Ah, hell....).
Also want to see Up- Felicia Day said she cried almost the whole time (so did Nathan Fillion, I think...). Obviously, as actors, they know what one ought to cry at (again, sarcasm fails in text). But, you know what, I'm taking their gorgus words for it.
And want to see the second Night at the Museum...
and do anything that isn't writing Phil paper.... but not really. Be careful what you wish for, eh? Oh, cliche, I missed you.
<3
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