Version 11- much edited
Femme Fatale (a love poem)
her accent indecipherable,
emphasizing syllables never touched by tongues less gumptious
words foreign-sounding, secretive
"décolletage" "turpitude" "equipage"
breathing out the final letters
smoke escaping from her Virginia Slims
innuendoes and sweetly meant mini ridicules
our surreptitious flirtation
she speaks in a carefully jarring metered manner
occasionally pausing as though overheard
mistaking our conversation for the opening chapters of an American noir.
But her blackbird hair casually whispering anachronistic plagiarisms
her chapped and over-lipsticked 1940’s mouth
swaying opened and closed in the breeze of a humming electric fan
with the constant tattattattattat of her red nails on the metal table
muffled by dark satin cocktail gloves-
they rub me out, intrigue, and lure me to another era
where no one refused a femme fatale
though she would bring me ruin
--
Smoking Gun (a love poem)
her accent indecipherable,
emphasizing syllables never touched by less gumptious tongues.
she uses words from some other time or place
"décolletage," "turpitude, "equipage."
breathing out the final letters
smoke escaping upward from her Virginia Slims
innuendoes and sweetly meant small ridicules
our surreptitious flirtation
she speaks in a carefully jarring metered manner,
pausing as though overheard at awkward moments
she sat down at my table -
a femme fatale,
mistaking our would-be love story for an American noir novel
this prelude to a premeditated homicide
solved by a misanthropic gumshoe
his success attributed to the local D.A.
(well-promoted in his reelection campaign)
but her blackbird hair
casually whispering plagiarisms
her chapped and over-lipsticked 1940’s mouth
swaying opened and closed in the breeze of a humming electric fan
with the constant tattattattat of her red nails on the metal table
she rubs me out
and she can be the smoking gun
otherwise known as Exhibit A
2 comments:
Oooooh, I really like this newest version. It's much cleaner; like you kept the best parts of the other versions and left out the chaff. This version is even more fun to speak than the skirt poem. Why can't there be occasions in real life where I could get to say "anachronistic plagiarisms" - that has such fun rhythm and perfect imagery. I also enjoy the "chapped and over-lipsticked 1940’s mouth."
I think "foreign-sounding, secretive" does work better than "from some other time or place" (even though I still like that second phrasing, but I guess, not for here?)
I think taking "upwards" from the smoking line helps immensely with cadence.
"carefully jarring metered manner" is also fun to say kinda slow slow, quick quick.
I have a suggestion that you can take or leave with equal impunity:
in the last line try replacing "though" with "even knowing"
Things I will miss from earlier versions:
The title! "Smoking Gun (a love poem)"
"tentative tongues"
"she mistook my face for one familiar"
"she speaks in rhymes and claims"
"repetitions of...the unconscious mind and echoed for the conscious one to hear"
I had to look up "somniloquies" though it should have been obvious from its root words. Cool word and now it's in my head. :)
"I was only waiting for this moment to arise"
the cadence of "buying into neo-patriarchal misogeny"
I like the contradiction in "stabbing heals" Did you do that intentionally? You can get away with such when it's already apparantly heels. I was thinking it loses a bit of its shine out of context or maybe not...healing stabs and stabbing heals. Kinda medical.
I like the (false) rhyme in "his success attributed to the local D.A.
(well-promoted in his reelection campaign)"
"our surreptitious flirtation"
"in which our hunger was a crime" sexy
"and she can be the smoking gun"
"otherwise known as Exhibit A"
It makes me want to do a found poem, but judging by the phrases that grip me it could turn out waaay too smexy rawr, lol. You have a way with words, milady
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