It's true. I'm very grumpy. I don't want to post, really, when I'm this fool-mooded. Instead, I'm going to shower and sleep. Um, or I'll put some quotes up funny quotes up:
Chris Dewey: (trying to tell an uninterested House a patient's history) You're reading a comic book.
Dr. Gregory House: And you're drawing attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
(she covers her chest with her clipboard)
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a "state-the-obvious" contest. I'm competitive by nature.
Frank, finding Radar's teddy bear: Don't tell me he sleeps with you!
Radar: I'm hoping to do better, sir.
"What would they do to me," he asked in confidential tones, "if I refuse to fly them?"
"We'd probably shoot you," ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen replied.
"We?" Yossarian cried in surprise. "What do you mean we? Since when are you on their side?"
"If you're going to be shot, whose side do you expect me to be on?" ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen retorted.
Catch-22, Joseph Heller
Jake: "Well, I guess I'm fine then. It's not like I was stabbed, or anything. It's more like a slash, really. Like a big paper cut. Except with a knife."
- Jake 2.0
[Jake works for the NSA and is supposedly in tech support, though really he's an active field agent]
JAKE: So, you really like those daiquiris?
JANET: (shakes her head) Jake, Jake.
JAKE: Janet. Janet.
JANET: How do you go out there every day not knowing if you're ever coming back?
JAKE: Well, I pretty much know that I am coming back, 'cause, like I said, I'm a computer tech, so we come back every morning, except weekends.
[Jake is trying to catch a cyber criminal by playing an online game]
LOU: Please tell me we're close.
TECH AGENT CARVER: We are. We're running a reverse IP lookup on that wizard, but the player is re-routing his signal through offshore data havens. We just have to keep him online a little longer.
JAKE: Not longer, you're killing me. I haven't slept, I haven't showered, and I have one leg.
KYLE: (pointing to screen) Why don't you just use that dagger thing?
JAKE: You, go away. Now. Now.
- Jake 2.0
[Giving a speech at his best friend's wedding]
JAKE: Life is, uh, hard, you know?
Nate: This is my... uh, my girlfriend, Brenda.
Brenda: I prefer the term "fuck puppet"
Six Feet Under
Juliet: [after Shawns wipes makeup off of suspect's forehead] He's wearing makeup!
Student: Is he gay?
Shawn: [shouting] No! [stutters] Um, maybe. [slight pause] I...I don't know.
Phong: I have prepared something for just such an emergency.
Bob: You're prepared for a giant monster made entirely of nulls stomping around Mainframe?
Phong: That is correct!
Bob: How do you plan for that?
Phong: Lucky guess.
-ReBoot 2x07: Nullzilla
"It's Friday morning in Seattle. And I expect elsewhere as well."- John in the Morning, KEXP
"Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked." Shawn, Psych
Shawn: You're not naked under there, are you?
Gus: Naked, and unashamed!
Shawn: If I were a crime scene, where would I be?
Receptionist: There's a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.
(Shawn enters wearing a Civil War uniform.)
Shawn: Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.
Shawn: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! She's running?! In those heels? Really?
Contestant 118: Can you repeat that?
Shawn: Yes... Banana.
(mutterings of audience)
Gus: (whispering) Banana, Shawn? It's the third round!
Shawn: (whispering) You could have helped me!
Gus: (whispering) This is a debt, Shawn. We're walking.
(they start to pack up the tripod)
Contestant 118: Definition, please.
Shawn: (whispering) What...? (into microphone) A yellow fruit. Also, a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.
J.D.:"It's like I married my best friend,"
Turk:"But in a totally manly way!"
-Scrubs "Guy Love"
You say tomato, I say pimp.
-Michael Weston, Burn Notice
Janitor: You're stupid.
JD: Thats it?
Janitor: Give it time. It'll eat at you
JD:Am I stupid?
Elliot: Yeah a little bit.
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
"I love baseball. It's my destiny to play that game. I don't really care about winning. Well, like, now I do 'cause, like, we've lost every game. I've gotten tired of it. I'm working, like, so hard. All the balls are getting thrown to me. I'm trying to catch, like, every one. All of the people in the outfield are all looking around and... Come on! Let's play some baseball, okay? Not the lazy game."- Goob "Meet the Robinsons"
Receptionist: What time is your appointment?
Bowler Hat Guy: [to himself, muttering] Um, big hand is on the... Oh, 2:00!
Receptionist: You're the 2:00?
Bowler Hat Guy: Um, yes. Yes, I am.
Receptionist: You're Mary Johnson?
Bowler Hat Guy: [hesitating] Yes. Mary is short for... um...
Bowler Hat Guy: [clears throat] Can that be a boy name?
Receptionist: [sighs] Yes.
Bowler Hat Guy: [snaps] Then, yes!
-"Meet the Robinsons"
Bowler Hat Guy: I've got you now. Lewis!
Goob: No, Lewis is my stupid roommate. My name's Mike Yagoobian. People call me "Goob," but today, everyone that beat me up called me "puke face" and "butterfingers" and "booger breath." Nice to see that they're branching out.
-"Meet the Robinsons"
"Mr. Steak, you're my only friend."- Goob, "Meet the Robinsons"
Wilbur: He keeps working and working until finally he gets it, the first working time machine. Then he keeps working and working until he gets it again, the second working time machine. [Shows miniature model]
Lewis: Kind of small.
Wilbur: I'm assuming that's a joke. I'm ignoring you for time reasons.
-"Meet the Robinsons"
"Now, to lure him out of the house. I know! I'll blow it up! Yes! Yes, and...No. No, that won't work. Then he'll be dead. Oh, I know! I'll turn him into a duck! Yes! Yes, it's so evil! Oh. I don't know how to do that. I don't really need a duck. Oh, this may be harder than I thought."- Bowler Hat Guy, "Meet the Robinsons"
Bowler Hat Guy: What's going on? Why aren't you seizing the boy?
T-Rex: I have a big head and little arms. I'm just not sure how well this plan was thought through.
-"Meet the Robinsons"
[After being thrown into the Girls' Bathroom]
"We don't have....what is this? We don't have a candy machine in the boys' room!"-Duckie Dale, "Pretty in Pink"
Bridget: Resolution #1: uggg - will obviously lose 20 lbs. #2: always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workoholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things.
-Bridget Jones' Diary
Buffy Quotes: (I just went on a rampage)
Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new.
Xander: Xander. Is - is me. Hi.
Buffy: Um, thanks.
Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy: Great! It was nice to meet you. [walks away]
Xander: We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.
Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse?
Buffy: I looked around, but soon as they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom!
Xander: They can fly?
Buffy: They can drive.
Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Here, here.
Buffy:: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
Xander: I think an exchange student program's cool. I do! It's a beautiful melding of two cultures.
Buffy: Have you ever done an exchange program?
Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?
Xander: ...that's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. What he lacks in smarts he makes up in lack of smarts.
Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way.
Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.
Willow: She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have no place to put their big Maypole... fish thing.
Xander: Uh-huh. Why is she singing?
Buffy: Her lover? I thought that was her chiropractor.
Willow: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No, that was personal.
Larry: You and Buffy ... just friends, right?
Xander: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss.
Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "Hey, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just [in a French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants." And then there's a big coup at the zoo.
Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow: [slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Giles: Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and-and aggressive.
Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
Xander: On behalf of my gender, hey!
Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
Xander:Blackmail is such an ugly word.
Amy: I didn't say blackmail.
Xander: Yeah,but I'm about to blackmail you so I thought I'd bring it up.
Giles: Unbelievable! "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!" Americans!
GILES: Oh, very well then. Follow your hormones if you want. But I assume I don't have to warn you about the hazards of becoming personally involved with someone who's unaware of your unique condition.
BUFFY: Yeah, yeah, I read the back of the box.
GILES: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
BUFFY: Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm a Slayer. Ask me how!'
Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
Cordelia: What's the difference?
Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
Scott: Well, my mom says that therapy can be completely helpful.
Pete: Yeah, but your mom has the wattage of a Zippo lighter, Scott.
Scott: [to Buffy] I hope you realise I don't actually know these people, I just... I thought you would like me better if I had friends, so I hired them.
Mrs Rosenberg: You're upset, I hear you ...
Willow: No, Ma, hear this! I'm a rebel! I'm having a rebellion!
Mrs Rosenberg: Oh, Willow, honey, you don't need to act out like this to prove your specialness!
Willow: Mom, I'm not acting out, I'm a witch! I can make pencils float! And I can summon the four elements! Okay, two, but four soon. And I'm dating a musician!
Mrs Rosenberg: Oh, Willow.
Willow: I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings! Do you see any goats around? No! 'Cause I sacrificed them!
Mrs Rosenberg: Willow, please...
Willow: All bow before Satan!
Mrs Rosenberg: I'm not listening to this.
Willow: Prince of Night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black, naughty evil!
Giles: You seem to know a lot about them.
Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks.
Buffy: I really, really believe that.
Wesley: Remember the three key words for any Slayer: preparation, preparation, preparation.
Buffy: That's one word three times.
Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Cordelia: My point however is, crazy or not, it's pretty much the only plan. Besides, it's Buffy's, and she's Slay Gal, you know, Little Miss Likes-to-fight. So...
Xander: I think there was a 'yea' vote buried in there somewhere.
Angel: Well, he's not crazy about germs.
Cordelia: Of course. That's it! We'll attack him with germs!
Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered, and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus, and... and, um... or -- it doesn't even have to be real. We could just get a box that says "Ebola" on it, and, um... [snaps her fingers] chase him. [everyone is silent] ...With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the hummus offensive.
Oz: He'll never see it coming.